The word love seems to be tossed around so easily these days.  We love our cars but we also love our children.  We love that new TV show and we also love our spouse.  How can we love an object the same way we love a person, or at least say we do?  Shouldn't we be saying instead that we really, really like the new cell phone we just bought?  Or can't we make up a new word to describe our enthusiasm for things?  I know, it's all just verbiage.  Words are words.  Today's society throws around words like they are trash.  Words that used to mean one thing are now taking on whole new meanings.  When did it become a good thing to be called a pimp?  Certain words should still be sacred to us.  Love should be one of those words.

What does it mean to truly love?  I think that 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 sums it up the best, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

This is a verse that is used quite often in marriage ceremonies.  Most of us are probably quite familiar with this verse in one way or another.  But have you ever really pulled this verse apart and actually studied the words?  Have you ever look in depth at what this verse is saying about love?  It's a pretty big pill to swallow when you think about loving the people in your life and then comparing 'your' love to this description of how love should be.   I don't know about you, but I think I have strayed away from every single one of those descriptions at one time or another. 

1 Corinthians 13 love is easy when relationships are all sunshine and daisies but what about after 15 years of marriage?  What about when you get off of running a non-stop, 24 hour shift full of frequent fliers and you come home to a grumpy child?  What about when your best friend flakes out at the last minute and you really needed them?  Or, here's a tough one, what about a person who irritates the heck out you?  You might say that you don't have to 'love' everyone but would you run into a burning building for them and possibly lose your life trying to save them?  I think most of us would say yes.  But don't forget this other infamous verse, usually read at firefighter funerals, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for others.'  So, we would be willing to lay our life down but we aren't willing to work on anger issues or being patient or respectful of those individuals that we don't have an affection for?  Shouldn't we be willing to be sacrificial or 'forgetful' of wrongdoings of our closest family members and friends?  Love is a lot tougher if we hold ourselves to a higher standard.

We aren't going to be perfect in how we love others.  We are humans who get worn down by the daily grind of life and sometimes beat down by what we face on the job.  Frequent flyers can be irritating and by the time we get home, we just can't handle anymore whining.  We are going snap sometimes.  Bills, overtime and commitments can cause our nerves to be frayed at the edges.  All it takes is one small crisis to cause us to unravel.  I think though that if we actively try and love our loved ones and even others we don't know so well, we might be surprised at how relationships can become deeper and better.  We might also be surprised that our own lives are enriched.  Loving someone isn't always going to be easy.  It takes work to be patient, humble, and not always indulgent in our own wants and desires.  But if you really care for someone, isn't the effort and work worth it?  Hard work with a good outcome requires perseverance, something that seems to be lacking in today's world.  But perseverance  builds character and character allows us to be better people.  Being a better allows us the capabilities of truly loving someone.  Don't you agree that these are good things to have?

Next time you use the word love, think about all of the characteristics that define the word.  Are you living up to those characteristics or are you just saying it to say it?  Is it just a word to you or are you living it?  Love really isn't just a word.

The first weekend in March I had the opportunity to attend the NFFF's second Life Safety Summit on behalf of the Federation of Fire Chaplains.  I was so honored to be able to attend this meeting where initiatives on how to keep firefighters from being injured or killed in the line of duty were being discussed.  Life is so precious and trying to figure out ways to protect the lives of individuals who are consistently faced with hazardous  situations is of utmost importance.  So many firefighters are being injured or dying needlessly.  We can't let these deaths be in vain.  There have to be lessons learned and if there is a way to change future outcomes based on what has occurred in the past, then we need to work hard to save the lives of firefighters today and in future generations.

I was assigned to the Health & Wellness Committee, an area that I am passionate about.  Listening to the conversations and debates that were taking place between some well-known industry giants, it was hard not to catch the enthusiasm that they had for this cause.  Heart health, exercise, psychological well-being, these were all topics that are usually passing thoughts for the fire service.  So discussing a cultural change within the fire service in regard to keeping our people from going into cardiac arrest or stroking out brought about some heated discussion.  Talking about ways to keep firefighters and their families intact and healthy on an emotional level was also a difficult subject at times.  But the more I sat and listened the more frustrated I felt.  These changes seemed so simple and somewhat easy for the fire service to make and yet I felt like sometimes we are fighting a losing battle.  So many excuses are made in order to not have to make the tough changes in our personal and professional lives.  Exercising 30 minutes a day can't be that hard but the discipline it takes to get on a treadmill can seem daunting, especially if we have tendencies to be lazy about such things. 

When we gathered together to listen to all of the committee's proposals, I couldn't help but wonder how we as an industry can make some serious impact on fatalities and injuries.  Who do we have to shake out of their 'slumber'?  Who do we blow this bullhorn at?  After a few days of digesting everything that was discussed and after talking with some others who are trying to make a difference, I realized that the change has to start with me.  I have to practice what I preach.  If I harp on eating healthy, wearing a seatbelt, or driving a little slower while responding, I need to do those things myself.  Talk about a tough pill to swallow.  I started coming to this pretty simple conclusion during our working lunch.  I was sitting in Health & Wellness and yet I had chosen a meal that was not so healthy.  I munched on my steak and cheese sandwich and ate my chocolate chip cookie in shame.  Later for dinner that night, I made better choices.  I can't be a hypocrite. 

Not being a hypocrite and practicing what you preach could quite possibly be a way that could change the forecast of future fatalities.  If we all did this, if we all could bear a little bit of the pain of changing habits maybe we will see an overall change.  It has to start with me and it has to start with you.  We can't make someone change but maybe through the way we live our lives and go about our duties, we can inspire change.  Do you have what it takes to practice what you preach?

Emergency services workers see more than the normal load of emotionally volatile scenes every day: child abuse, rape, trauma and devastation by all sorts of catastrophes and medical emergencies. On scene, they have to put their own emotions aside to tend to the victims and bring the situation under control.

But long after the scene is clear and paperwork is filed, anger often lingers as a normal human response to what they have experienced. Contrary to what you may have been told, anger is not a “bad” emotion. Anger is a natural and very normal emotion. Anger helps us to defend what we know as right and helps protect our rights as an individual and as a society. It is only normal to feel angry when we are confronted with traumatic incidents.

While most of us are more familiar with the destructive reactions and responses to anger--such as physical violence, emotional violence, abuse, and even illness, your anger can be a positive force if managed in a healthy way.

The challenge is to harness the energy of the anger without destroying our health, our relationships with others and even our own lives. The first step in meeting this challenge is understanding what anger is—and isn’t.

Anger And Aggression
Many people confuse anger with aggression; anger is not aggression. Anger is a feeling and aggression is an act. Anger is an emotion. Aggression is one way that anger is expressed.

The Four Types of Destructive Anger

Passive Anger. Some individuals do not like to admit their anger. Instead they bottle up their anger and do not let others know about their feelings.

Aggressive Anger. This type of anger is usually violent and includes physical acts such as hitting, punching, throwing objects, kicking, or other forms of physical aggression. This type of anger also can take the form of verbal and emotional abuse.

Passive-aggressive Anger. This type of anger will look passive on the outside but under the surface aggression rages. This type of anger is expressed in hidden and sometimes underhanded ways. Many individuals who tend to be passive-aggressive are individuals who are afraid to express their emotions or confront their anger.

Indirect Anger. Instead of confronting the situation or person that an individual is angry at, the person that expresses indirect anger will pull in other people to do their “dirty work.” This type of anger is expressed indirectly, usually through other people.

What is constructive anger then? According to their book, Inner Joy, Dr. Harold Bloomfield and Robert Kory, they state that the constructive way of expressing anger has four goals: 1) to communicate feelings of hurt; 2) to change the hurtful situation; 3) to prevent recurrence of the same hurt; and 4) to improve the relationship and increase communication.

Most of the time, emergency workers are unable to meet goals 2, 3, and 4 when they are dealing with an emergency scene. Emergency workers are unable to change the situation, prevent the situation from happening again, or improve relationships. What emergency workers can do to help express their anger is to communicate their feelings and keep their own relationships in check. This is where the role of the Chaplain, the CISD team, or counselor comes into play.

So What Do I Do With This Anger?

Express anger assertively. By being assertive with our anger we are stating clearly and firmly what is upsetting us. Assertive anger sets up boundaries and limits. Assertive anger also establishes need and displaces blame when you use “I” instead of “you” during arguments. Assertive anger allows us to communicate our feelings without violating the integrity of others.

Find the core issue of your anger. What is the real issue? Find out what is at the core of your anger. Where is the anger stemming from? You may have to do some real soul searching to figure out what the true cause of the anger is.

Time is of essence. Count to 10. How many times have you heard that piece of advice when confronted with your feelings of anger? It’s good advice that should be taken into serious consideration. When confronted with a situation that makes you angry, take a deep breath and slow down. If you have to, walk away from the situation for a moment. In the midst of anger, people tend to speak impulsively and end up saying something that they regret later on.

Keep Talking. Communication is one of the most important tools psychologists and counselors use to help individuals work through different problems. Talking is key when you are angry. Some people tend to shut down when confronted with conflict. Unfortunately shutting down only escalates the anger. If you can’t talk about your anger without blowing up or because you find yourself shutting down, write your feelings down on paper or in a journal.

Understand the degrees of anger. Anger can range from mild annoyance all the way up to rage. Because most of us weren’t brought up to express anger, we often don’t know how to distinguish the degrees of anger. Sometimes rage takes effect instead of just being slightly angry. Learn to appropriately express your anger. If you are faced with a mild annoyance, express your annoyance with words. If you are met with a situation that involves rage, try to find a physical activity that will act as an outlet for your anger. If possible try to let go of anger for situations that you can’t control.

Don’t abuse. Stay away from using alcohol or drugs to try to control your anger, because these substances do not control, they mask. After the high subsides, you will only find yourself back in the situation that made you angry in the first place. Don’t take out your anger in physical violence either. If you feel that you are going to physically harm yourself or another, call for intervention. Under no circumstance should anger be expressed through abuse.

The Conclusion

Style of anger varies from person to person. Some individuals resolve their anger through noisy arguments. Other individuals can calmly state their case and resolve their issues through quiet conversation. Whatever your style is, learn to have some type of dialogue to express your anger. Learn to use your anger to touch another or to be touched. Learn that anger is okay to feel and express in healthy ways.

Know that anger is a part of life; let it teach you and guide you in your journey through life.


Assistance provided by Louisa Rogers, author of Dealing With Anger