January-
Communications with Your Co-Workers
Chances are
the people in your department are like your second family. Because of
similar schedules, the type of work, and the close proximity of working
with one
another, your co-workers tend to be more like your brothers and sisters.
Relationships within the emergency services tend to be deeper than those
with friends in other fields.
As with any
relationship, especially familial ones, communication is extremely
important and can be taken for granted. Working on your communication
skills and putting an effort into dealing with conflict, stress, and other
issues is vital to the health
of your relationship.
Communication involves the ability to pay attention to what others are
thinking and feeling. In other words, an important part of communication
is not just talking, but listening to what others have to say.
Communication within the department is extremely important because it
enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other.
Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that
allows individuals to express their differences as well as their
similarities for one another. It is through communication that department
members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that arise in all
families. Open communication in the firehouse will be the foundation for
open communication on-scene.
Epstein et
al. (1993) have identified the following four styles of communication.
Clear and Direct Communication
Clear and
direct communication is the most healthy form of communication and occurs
when the message is stated plainly and directly to the appropriate
individual. An example of this style of communication is when a chief,
disappointed about one of his firefighters failing to complete his station
duties, states, “Carl, I’m disappointed that you forgot to check the
fluids in the pumper today without my having to remind you.”
Clear and Indirect Communication
In this
second style of communication, the message is clear, but it is not
directed to the person for whom it is intended. Using the previous
example, the chief might say, “It’s disappointing when my firefighters
forget to complete their station duties.” In this message Carl may not
know that the chief is referring to him.
Masked and Direct Communication
Masked and
direct communication occurs when the content of the message is unclear,
but directed to the appropriate individual. The chief in our example may
say something like, “Carl, people just don’t work as hard
as they used to.”
Masked and Indirect Communication
Masked and
indirect communication occurs when both the message and intended recipient
are unclear. In unhealthy relationships, communication tends to be very
masked and indirect. An example of this type of communication might be the
chief stating, “The firefighters of today are very lazy. They aren’t like
they used to
be when I first came onto the job.”
There are
many things that fire and EMS families can do to become more effective
communicators and improve the quality of their relationships. Individuals
can improve communication skills by following some suggestions
for building effective internal communication.
Communicate Frequently
With our
busy schedules, it is difficult to find sufficient time to spend with one
another in meaningful conversation. It is extremely important for
individuals to make time to communicate. Turn off the TV and eat a meal
together; schedule informal or meetings to talk about important issues
that affect your shift; schedule informal meetings with commanding
officers to talk about any issues.
Communicate Clearly and Directly
All healthy
families communicate thoughts and feelings in a clear and direct manner.
This is especially
important when attempting to resolve problems that arise between
individuals (e.g., partners on the ambulance, captain-probie). Indirect
and vague communication will not only fail to resolve problems, but will
also contribute
to a lack of bonding between department members.
Be an Active Listener
An
essential aspect of effective communication is listening to what others
are saying. Being an active listener involves trying your best to
understand the point of view of the other person. Whether you are
listening to a commanding officer or a rookie, it is important to pay
close attention to verbal and non-verbal messages. As an active listener,
you must acknowledge and respect the other person’s perspective. For
example, when listening to someone, you should nod your head or say, “I
understand,” which conveys to the other person that you care about what he
or she has to say. Another aspect of active listening is seeking
clarification if you do not understand. This can be done by simply asking,
“What did you mean when you said…?” or “Did I understand
you correctly?”
Active
listening involves acknowledging and respecting the other person’s point
of view.
In order
for effective communication to take place within the department,
individual members must be open and honest with one another. This openness
and honesty sets the stage for trusting relationships. Without trust,
it’s difficult to work with someone during an emergency call, much less
build strong relationships.
Commanding
officers, especially, are responsible for providing a safe environment
that allows members to
openly express their thoughts and feelings.
Think About the Person With Whom You Are
Communicating
Not all
people communicate in the same manner or at the same level. This is
especially true of individuals with differing jobs. Firefighters might not
always understand the pressures of being a dispatcher and vice versa.
Police
officers might not understand EMS lingo. When communicating with others,
it is important to listen carefully to what the individual is saying
without making unwarranted assumptions.
Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Messages
In addition
to carefully listening to what is being said, effective communicators also
pay close attention to the non-verbal behaviors of individuals. For
example, a person may say something verbally, but their facial expressions
or body language may be telling you something completely different. In
cases such as these, it is important to find out how the person is really
feeling. This is especially true when working on emergency
scenes or dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic call.
Be Positive
While it is
often necessary to address problems between department members or to deal
with negative situations, effective communication is primarily positive.
Researchers have discovered that unhappy
relationships are often the result of negative communication patterns
(e.g., criticism, contempt, defensiveness). In fact, John Gottman and his
colleagues have found that individuals in satisfied relationships had five
positive interactions to every one negative interaction (Gottman, 1994).
Those who are very dissatisfied with their relationships typically engage
in more negative interactions than positive. It is very important for
individuals to verbally compliment and encourage one another.
In the end,
it is all about respecting the other individual. Just like any extended
family, in your department
family there will be individuals that you are close to and individuals
that you could do without. Even those members that you are not
particularly fond of, you must still treat with respect. Most people would
want to be treated with respect, even by those individuals who are not
their friends. Respect and active listening go along way in communicating
with your department family.
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February-Work Partners
of the Opposite Sex
This month's topic is a sensitive one. Over the past couple of years, we
have received several emails seeking assistance on how to help their
spouse feel more comfortable with them having a member of the opposite sex
as their work partner. This short
article will attempt to cover just the basic issues and to offer some
straight-forward advice.
No
matter if you are a male or female working in the realm of Public Safety
and Emergency Services, the professional standards and work ethic that is
expected of the job you are performing conveys a high level of public
trust. It might be easy to forget
this important fact, but you can be certain that the eyes of those you
serve and those within the greater community are upon you every day. It is
therefore critical to uphold the highest level of professionalism on the
job – one for which we are often called to do – for even the smallest
members of our society expect it of us.
So,
“How do I make my spouse feel more comfortable with the males/females at
my station?” The simple
answer is with sensitivity, honesty and integrity.
No matter how comfortable
you may think your spouse is with your work partner, the truth is that
there will always be room for mistakes. Be careful and sensitive about the
way you approach their questions and concerns. Simply shrugging it off as
an absurd notion will never be a substitute for plain and
simple straight-talk. Don’t be easily offended or suddenly become
defensive if your husband or wife
asks you about your co-worker – they have every right to know, and chances
are they’re simply being protective of your family. Listen to their
concerns – you might already be growing apart without realizing it.
Hiding the fact that your
new partner is an attractive male or female from your spouse will only
breed further distrust when they find out. Consider speaking with your
spouse when you learn of the work assignment, or at minimum, the day that
you’re teamed up with them. Most importantly, be honest
with yourself – are you stable enough to steer away from sexual
temptation?
Remember, just because
you’re ‘assigned’ a partner doesn’t mean that you can’t request a
different
one on future shifts. Managers and supervisors are legally and morally
bound to be accommodating
and discrete about staffing issues, and this is one of the more important
ones. If at any time it
becomes apparent that your work partner and you are getting “too close for
comfort,” be honest with yourself and face the issue before it’s too late.
Don’t rationalize your way to destruction.
What is integrity? It’s
summed up as the enactment of being trustworthy and honest, and not just
saying you are. It’s being known for making decisions that reflect good
judgment, moral character and self sacrifice, even in the face of
adversity. What good is the person who can be trusted to keep their word
only when it benefits them? What happens when you must rely upon
this person to do the right thing when it doesn’t benefit them? A person
without integrity is like a submarine with windows – on
the surface, it looks great, but when the storms come, it quickly sinks.
Keeping marriage vows and spoken promises is a litmus test for personal
integrity. If the relationship between you and your work partner isn’t
strictly professional, or just doesn't seem right, then it probably isn’t
right and certainly doesn’t look right either.
We
know that life isn't always going to be this simple, especially in the
emergency services world. The shift work, the living quarters, the close
proximity of working with a partner – especially on an ambulance – and the
bonds that develop over time with someone who might have to save your life
someday, can throw even the strongest person into dangerous waters.
Recognizing and dealing with the potential for temptation is the key to
avoidance, and is the first step toward getting out of trouble if you’re
already there.
Nobody is completely immune from the natural attraction between members of
the opposite sex. If you are already in trouble, the best course of action
is to first get some distance between you and your work partner. One
simple and effective approach is to take a small, un-scheduled vacation to
provide some time and
distance to clear your mind and let you think about what you are doing. A
discrete request for a different assignment, or work partner should
follow. Finally, you should seek personal counseling from a respected and
trustworthy source to help mentor you along the path to recovery.
Many
things can happen to the EMS worker or firefighter during their career
(volunteer and paid) that can bring
a great deal of stress into a marriage. Outside of death or serious
injury, an extra-marital affair is one of the biggest fears a spouse can
have because it poses an equal – if not more brutal – destructive threat
to the
family.
This
is why it is important not just to know about the concerns, but to talk
openly and candidly about them. If
you talk about these things ahead of time, it’s easier to work as a team
with your spouse in setting personal
and emotional boundaries.
It’s
not just your decision - everyone in your immediate family should know
what they may be facing when you
or your spouse decides to enter into one of the emergency service
organizations. Working closely with
someone over time, and often during moments of great stress, will
naturally tend to foster strong personal
bonds with that person. Spouses of emergency workers need to be aware that
the more developed a
relationship is with their work partner, the more commitment is
automatically implied, and the easier it is to
cross personal and emotional boundaries.
Contrary to popular notions, a physical relationship isn’t necessary for
the establishment of a high level of intimacy. However, if left unchecked,
such close, interpersonal intimacy can and often will ultimately lead to
physical expression.
If
you find yourself discussing some very private and personal problems with
your opposite sex co-worker, whether you acknowledge it or not, you are
well on your way to the creation of a meaningful and intimate relationship
regardless of your intent. It is here where you run into the real danger
of that relationship moving
into other arenas; supplanting other relationships, or at the very least
consuming relational energy and intimacy that could (and if you’re
married, should) be directed elsewhere.
Here
are some tips that you can use to keep your relationship with your spouse
and your co-workers on track and in check:
-
Don’t ignore your spouse’s concerns - especially if your marriage is
already having problems. Working with a member of the opposite sex will
only add additional stress to the relationship, and increases the risk
of complicating existing problems, or potentially introducing new ones
when you are most
vulnerable.
- Be
honest with your spouse about who you are working with. If you have
members of the opposite sex
working with you on a shift, or as your partner on the box, don't try to
hide that from your spouse. This will only generate distrust.
-
Define boundaries and keep a measure of emotional distance between you
and your co-worker. The
more emotionally involved you become, the more likely you will find
yourself compromising boundaries.
-
Be friendly and polite, but don't plan being “best friends.”
-
Minimize social interactions with co-workers off duty, and certainly
don't socialize with your opposite
sex partner alone.
-
Welcome and encourage your spouse to visit you at the station and become
acquainted with your co-workers.
-
Encourage your loved one to be involved with the auxiliary or other
support groups. It can help your relationship to have your spouse
involved with the fire department in some way. This also gives the
chance for them to meet and see how other spouses are handling the same
issues.
-
Keep communication open and flowing. The more you communicate the less
likely you will feel emotionally isolated from your spouse and to turn
to another for intimacy.
- Be
willing to get counseling, even if it's just for maintenance.
-
Keep your integrity, and preserve your organization’s reputation.
There really is no
easy answer when it comes to relational issues involving spouses and
co-workers of the opposite sex. It takes a deep level of integrity and
personal honesty to challenge and check the tendency to
be attracted to an opposite sex work partner. This is someone who shares
many of the same values, endures
the same stresses and spends most of your waking hours along side of you.
Keep
and enjoy the special understanding you may share with these co-workers at
a respectable distance – preserve the working relationship and your
marital relationship by reserving your intimacy to your life partner at
home.
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March/April- Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a simple conscious decision, but one
of the most difficult things a person can do, especially when there is a
deep hurt. The otherwise simple act of forgiving someone seems to be
impossible when we are the victim. Yet, when we wronged by an individual,
we expect to be forgiven right away with few consequences.
Have we really forgiven someone when we still harbor
ill feelings or hurt? Is it ok to forgive, but remain cautious of someone?
What is true forgiveness - is it just a one-way street? What is true
forgiveness? And how do we actually truly forgive someone?
Everett L. Worthington, Jr. writes this month's
commentary on forgiveness. We hope you will read and not only enjoy it,
but learn from it too. We also hope you'll take time to visit the other
sections on the site with regard to this topic. Check out the 'Chapel' for
the Christian perspective on forgiveness.
Blessings,
Wendy Norris
President, Firefighter Ministries
********
Climbing the Pyramid of Forgiveness
Everett L. Worthington, Jr.
Walk with me up the Pyramid Model of
Forgiveness. The steps spell out the acrostic REACH. Think of a
person who has hurt you and apply the steps to REACH forgiveness. If the
wound is traumatic, you might want the support of a friend or counselor as
you move up the steps.
Recall the Hurt.
When we are hurt, we often try to protect ourselves by denying our hurt.
We think, often correctly, that if we don't think about it, it won't
bother us. But if unforgiveness keeps intruding into your happiness or
gnawing ulcers in your gut, consider forgiving. Recall the hurt as
objectively as possible. Don't rail against the person who hurt you, waste
time wishing for an apology that will never be offered, or dwell on your
victimization. Instead, admit that a wrong was done to you and set your
sights on its repair.
Empathize.
Empathy involves seeing things from another person's point of view,
feeling that person's feelings, and identifying with the pressures that
made the person hurt you. To empathize with your offender's experience
, write a brief letter to yourself as if you were the other person. How
would he or she explain the harmful acts?
Altruistic gift
of forgiveness. Empathy can prepare you for forgiving, but to give that
gift of forgiveness, consider yourself. Have you ever harmed or offended a
friend, a parent, or a partner who later forgave you? Think about your
guilt. Then consider the way you felt when you were forgiven. Most people
say, "I felt free. The chains
were broken." Forgiveness can unshackle people from their interpersonal
guilt. By recalling your own guilt and the gratitude over being forgiven,
you can develop the desire to give that gift of freedom to the person who
hurt you.
Commit to
forgive. When you forgive, you can eventually doubt that you have
forgiven. When people remember
a previous injury or offense, they often interpret it as evidence that
they must not have forgiven. If you make
your forgiveness tangible, you are less likely to doubt it later. Tell a
friend, partner, or counselor that you have forgiven the person who hurt
you. Write a "certificate of forgiveness," stating that you have, as of
today,
forgiven.
Holding onto
forgiveness. When you have doubts about whether you have forgiven, remind
yourself of the Pyramid, refer to your certificate of forgiveness, and
tell yourself that a painful memory does not disqualify the hard work of
forgiveness that you have done. Instead of trying to stop thoughts of
unforgiveness, think positively about the forgiveness you have
experienced. If you continue to doubt your forgiveness, work back through
the Pyramid.
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May-
Managing Your Emotions
Do you find that your emotions are often uncomfortably intense? Do they
seem to change rapidly? Is it difficult to “turn off” certain emotions?
Working in the
emergency services can lead to some pretty intense emotions both on the
job and off the job. What we experience on the job, many times we tend to
bring home. Intense emotions can be very upsetting and difficult to
endure. At times, our upsetting emotions lead to unhealthy behaviors as we
try to rid ourselves of the
emotion (for example, becoming intoxicated when upset). At other times, we
simply try to tell ourselves not to feel our emotions. Similarly, we often
make critical judgments about ourselves because of an upsetting emotion we
disapprove of, which then causes us to feel yet another upsetting emotion,
leaving us feeling even worse! In order to reduce the intensity of our
emotions it is necessary to experience our emotions uncritically and
without making judgments.
There are additional
ways we can reduce the intensity of our emotions.
1) Identify and label
your emotions- This is done by paying attention to all of the variables
surrounding the upsetting emotion, including:
A) The event that
prompted the emotion (this can be a thought we have or an external event)
B) Our interpretations
of the event/experience (what we tell ourselves about the event)
C) Any accompanying
bodily responses/physical sensations
D) Behaviors we use to
express the emotion (body language, words, actions)
E) The aftereffects of
the emotion on our functioning
2) Discover the
function of the emotion- Emotions serve a purpose, including:
A) Communicating to
others and influencing others
B) Preparing us for
action (fear generates a “fight or flight” response)
C) Giving us
information about a situation (when we have a “gut feeling” about
something)
3) Recognize that we
are more emotional when under physical or situational stress. We can
reduce our vulnerability to negative emotions by:
A) Treating physical
illness (take care of your body, see a doctor when necessary, take
prescribed medication)
B) Balancing eating
(don’t eat too much or too little, eat healthily)
C) Avoiding
mood-altering drugs (don’t take nonprescribed drugs and limit alcohol use)
D) Balancing sleep
(sleep the amount that is adequate for you, create a sleep schedule if
having sleep disturbances)
E) Getting exercise
(try to get 20 minutes per day)
F) Building mastery
(try to do one thing per day that makes you feel competent and in control)
4) Realize that
emotions can be controlled – to some extent – by controlling the events
that trigger them. Increase positive emotions by:
A) Increasing the
number of pleasurable events in one’s life on a daily basis .
B) Making changes in
your life so that positive events (and emotions) will occur more often;
list goals you want to achieve and work toward them.
C) Paying attention to
relationships by making new ones and resolving problems in old ones.
D) Avoiding giving up
and ignoring problems that need to be addressed.
5) Become conscious of
positive events in your life by:
A) Paying attention to
positive aspects of the event
B) Redirecting
yourself back to the positive aspects when your mind wanders to negative
thoughts.
C) Stopping yourself
from thinking about when the positive event will end.
D) Stopping yourself
from thinking about whether or not you deserve the positive event.
6) Reduce emotional
suffering by becoming conscious of emotions just as they are:
A) Do not judge the
emotion, try to stop it, or distract yourself from it (judging the emotion
simply leads to other upsetting emotions which worsens our distress).
B) Simply observe
your emotion (watch it as you would a cloud passing in the sky) as
this will add distance between you and the emotion.
C) Remind yourself
that you do not have to act on the emotion.
D) Remind yourself
that emotions pass and of times when you have felt differently.
E) Understand that
emotional suffering at times in our lives is inevitable; accepting an
upsetting
emotion for what it is (versus fighting it) tends to decrease the pain and
make tolerating the emotion more bearable.
7) Changing the way we
express an emotion can help regulate our emotional response. Practice:
A) Acting in a way
opposite of the emotion being felt, and changing body language and
facial
expression to match (do something nice for someone you are angry at;
approach what you are afraid
of, get active when depressed); this is not the same thing as denying or
suppressing your emotion. Rather, behaviors communicate to our brain and
lead to a gradual change in emotion. The idea here is
to acknowledge the emotion but act the opposite of it at the same time, to
eventually generate a new emotion.
If you are dealing with some difficult
emotions and you are trying to find ways to manage them, please don't
hesitate to
email us. We will put you in touch with one of our trained and
experienced chaplains. They will
lend a listening and confidential ear and if needed, provide you with some
advisement.
Blessings,
Wendy Norris
REFERENCES
Linehan,
Marsha M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline
Personality Disorder. New York: The Guilford Press.
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June-
Helping Someone Who is Depressed
Everyone experiences the blues at one time or
another—is part of being human. We can't expect to live our lives without
being sad or down at some point, but being depressed is another story.
Depression is not having the blues or being sad, it is actually an illness
or a physiological disorder of the brain that can destroy a life and
severely impact family and friends of the depressed individual.
The physiological aspect of depression shows
the neurotransmitters in the brain being reduced. The reduction of
serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine can hinder brain signals and cause
the various symptoms of depression including hopelessness, helplessness,
feelings of rejection, sorrow, sleeplessness, etc.
So what causes depression? It is evident that
both physiology and circumstances can be attributed to depression, but the
relationship between the two is unknown. Is it the circumstance that
causes the neurotransmitters to be depressed thus leading to depression?
Or is it that an individual already has low neurotransmitters in the first
place and then a circumstance triggers clinical depression? Either way,
depression is a serious matter that needs to be addressed as quickly as
possible.
It can be quite difficult to know someone who
is suffering from depression. Their pain can make us feel quite helpless,
especially since most of us in the emergency services have that savior
mentality. The depressed individual can also make us feel frustrated
because it seems like they won't get help no matter how hard we push or
beg them.
Here are some tips from Healthy Place on how
you can help someone who is suffering from depression.
-
Don't ask very general questions; you won't
get a meaningful answer. As an example: Rather than asking "How are
you?" ask "How are you today compared to yesterday?" or something of
this kind. Make the question open-ended, so the person can say what he
or she wants, but provide something specific for them to talk about.
-
Try to get the person out. He or she will
want to be isolated—hibernate, even—but this is exactly what should not
happen. Take walks, go shopping, go to a movie, whatever you have to, to
get the person out of the environment they are trying to take shelter
in. You may get some resistance, and even complaints; be persistent but
not unreasonable.
-
Don't be afraid to let your spouse, relative
or friend talk about whatever they want to, even if they mention
self-injury, or they are suicidal. You are not endangering them by
listening. Instead, you are helping to protect them from those things;
talking helps them deal with these feelings.
-
Keep an eye out for any changes in behavior.
These can include appetite, sleep habits, drinking or drug abuse,
anything at all. Any major changes may be a sign of trouble.
-
Little things go a long way for someone with
clinical depression. Small gifts and favors seem much bigger to them
than to you. Don't be afraid to leave the person a short note with a
smiley face on it, for example. Even if it seems silly or hokey, small
considerations will help.
-
Suggest some resources that might assist
them in recovery including counseling, books, online resources and help
phone lines. Depression is a serious issue. Don't take it lightly. To
learn more about depression, visit our Emotional Health section. Your
education on this subject can save a life.
Depression is a serious issue. Don't
take it lightly. To learn more about depression visit our
Emotional
Health section. Your education on this subject can save a life.
If you would like to talk to a chaplain
about depression, please
email us. We would be happy to help.
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July- How
Important Am I?
This month I am excited to have one of our
volunteers, JoAnn Linnenkugel, be our guest columnist. She has
written an excellent article on self-worth. As firefighters and EMS
workers, our focus is on the care of others. Sometimes we lose
ourselves in the cycle of caring for patients, caring for property, caring
for family, and caring for friends. It's easy to get lost in others.
But you have to remember that you are incredibly important to others.
More of us need to find our self-worth by caring for ourselves.
Blessings,
Wendy Norris, President
How
Important Am I?
By Guest Columnist JoAnn Linnenkugel, Cy-Fair Fire Department, TX
I know -
you’ve heard it a hundreds times before. Eat right, exercise and all
things in moderation, but let’s look at it like this – Who is depending on
me to come home alive and well? Who loves me for who I am? Who do I need
to be there for?
Have you
taken time to prioritize your life? Take a moment and think of who is
important and why – your spouse, your children, your boss, your friends,
God, work – what order are they in? How do you divide your time between
them? How do these things affect your stress level?
Have you
realized that you put you last? You go out of your way to help a fellow
fire fighter in need but who is helping you? Is your lawn mowed or is our
laundry done? Did you get that project done that your spouse asked you to
help with? When we are young we tend to put work first and family second.
But who will be there when you lose that job - Your boss or your family?
We get trapped in the “when I get the next promotion, things will be
better” attitude and in doing so we work hard and miss the little things
in life like a child’s birthday, lying in the backyard and cloud watching,
a baseball game & then maybe a graduation. Wow, where did the time go? We
told ourselves “Next time” but there was never a next time. More important
– do you know your kids? Do you know what foods they like? What grades
they are making in school? Did they make the lead in the play? Have they
had a spat with their best friend? Can they depend on you to be there when
they need you? So, do we really need to work 50 – 60 hours a week? Is that
little extra worth the toll it will take on our health (physical or
mental) or our family?
Not only is
the stress of making life better for ourselves and our loved ones already
great – we then add the stress associated with being an emergency worker
to the equation and we become a walking time bomb. Heart attack and stroke
are still the leading cause of death in our business. Most of us have
direct internet link to Firehouse.com or one of the other many fire/rescue
websites, and everyday we hear of another death or injury,
most of them preventable. What is your reaction? What are you doing to
better your odds? Are you serious about training? Do you wear your
seatbelt on the apparatus? Do you “size-up” the scene before rushing in?
Nothing
fancy here this month, just a friendly reminder to take the time to
evaluate your priorities, to take time for yourself and consider how your
death or injury would effect those you love. We are not invincible.
So, what are
you going to do? Is it time to schedule that physical? Perhaps you need to
reevaluate your commitments and learn to say no! Or, maybe it is time to
tell someone close to you how much they mean to you.
Please, do
it today. Don’t be a statistic. Remember, our mission/theme for 2005 is
“everyone comes home”.
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September- Balancing
Life in the Emergency Services with Family Life
I believe that the family should always be a
number one priority in our lives. These relationships are the key
to enjoying a full-filled life. But balancing the work it takes to
care for a family and the work you need to do to get a paycheck can be
difficult and stressful, especially if you have an odd schedule like
most paid emergency workers have. If you are a volunteer in the
fire department or on the ambulance it
can be even trickier trying to balance work, volunteering, and the
family.
Setting aside the humanistic problems in
relationships, your family whether it be
your parents, siblings, spouse and/or children are the individuals that
are supposed
to be there with you through thick and thin. These are the people
that are there to care for you, nurture you, encourage you and to
support you. In return, you need to be able to provide these
things back. But how can you do that when you have so many other
factors vying for your time, especially emergency service work?
The first approach in balancing your
commitment and effort is to actually make the family your priority.
You
can't replace these relationships. You can't restore lost time.
Once you make a commitment to yourself and
to your family that they are your number one priority, you can then
start to figure out where everything else will fall in to your
schedules. Of course this can be easier said than done and you
will probably have to negotiate how time is spent volunteering or
working overtime. Remember one thing while negotiating, each
person has got to be willing to sacrifice a certain amount.
Whether that sacrifice is extra income, time spent at the fire station,
or extra-curricular activities, you have to be willing give a little in
order to take a little. For example, in order to maintain a good,
strong relationship with your spouse, you might want to set up a date
night once a week. During that date night, you will promise to not
make any runs or answer any phone calls/pages from the other members of
your department. Or to show a commitment to your child, when they
are celebrating their birthday, you will be there for their celebration
and show extra attention to the child. Maybe if during one week
you had
to put in extra time on the box, the following week you might cancel
your extracurricular plans to spend that
time with your loved ones. These examples all show that you are
willing to make your family a priority in your life.
Here are some other tips by stayhitched.com
that we have found to be helpful:
-
Make a list of
essential activities and involvements that you want to maintain.
-
Set and guard
limits and boundaries to protect these; say no firmly to activities
that would interfere with your essentials.
-
Make a list of
‘don’t want to do’ items that are aversive, waste your time, sap
your energy.
-
Delegate these and
other non-essential tasks and find or hire help.
-
Negotiate to
achieve the most advantageous arrangement possible when it’s not
feasible to reject or delegate an activity or task.
-
Clark (2002) found
that individuals who communicate with work associates about family
and with their family about work are more satisfied and higher
functioning in both arenas.
-
Make long-term
plans with your partner to meet your individual and mutual balance
goals.
-
Engage your
partner and children in regular short-term planning: Briefly review
activities and arrangements for the coming week every Sunday
evening. Briefly review activities for the next day every evening.
-
Organize division
of labor with your partner and children so that you each cover those
tasks that are easiest and most enjoyable for you.
-
Try to let go of
the responsibilities your partner has accepted or you have delegated
to others. Try not to control or criticize. Let go of guilt.
-
Strictly prioritize
tasks. Include ‘slack’ time in your plans and schedule. You won’t be
able to maintain a schedule plan that commits 110 percent of your
available time, let alone accommodate ‘emergencies’. See our time
management article:
stayhitched.com/time.htm
-
Take care of
yourself first whenever feasible. You can’t do very effectively for
others if you are depleted.
-
See our stress
management article:
stayhitched.com/stress.htm
-
Always be
professional at work. Arrive at work early; leave work on a strict
schedule. Block out work when at home or confine it to strictly
scheduled times. Minimize weekend work. Be prepared for family
emergencies that call you away from work. Train subordinates to
cover responsibilities when you are away from work.
I would also highly
recommend that you purchase the book
I Love a Firefighter by Ellen Kirschman. Ellen offers a whole
wealth of knowledge and coping strategies for families of emergency
service workers, whether career or volunteer.
On another note, keep
your eye out on our website. We will be make some major changes in
the coming months, so that we can bring to you more information,
resources, and assistance. New sections on the website will
include social service issues, family and parenting, women's issues, and
much more! We are excited about the changes!
Back to the
top
November- A
Lesson in Compassion
As first
responders, emergency workers and chaplains, it is our first instinct to
want to help when a tragedy or disaster occurs. Something stirs inside
each of us and we can’t seem to calm ourselves until we have assisted in
relief efforts. This reaction held true when Katrina devastated the
Gulf Coast. With over 92,000 square miles of devastation, our hearts
broke for those who were deeply impacted by the storm.
For many of
us, our first instinct was to pick up and run to one of those cities and
help with rescue, recovery or whatever job was available. Some did
respond to New Orleans or Biloxi or other towns. Others stayed back and
assisted the evacuees as they streamed into our cities looking for
shelter, food and compassion.
I felt the
initial restlessness of the desire to help when I saw the scenes of
devastation being played out on television. Because the City of Houston
became a major destination point for many of the evacuees from
Louisiana, there were plenty of opportunities to put that restless
energy to good use. When the call for volunteers was put out, I chose
to work at the Astrodome. I spent 12 hours one afternoon working in the
Psych. Unit of the hospital facility that had been set up within the
Astrodome complex.
Most of the patients that we saw were individuals
overwhelmingly distressed by their losses. Many had become separated
from loved ones. All of them had lost their homes. While I was deeply
saddened and moved by their stories, I didn’t understand the depth of
their grief and pain. I had not walked any amount of distance in their
shoes.
Several days later, I had the incredible opportunity and honor to go to
Baton Rouge and New Orleans and work with the emergency workers that
were there. The experiences I had, the stories I heard and the sights I
saw were seared into my heart and my mind. The heavy emotions I felt
for these individuals while working at the Astrodome were almost doubled
when I actually came into contact with the scenes that I saw on the
television. But still, even walking among the ruins I had no real
understanding of the true depth of what these people were going through.
Within just a
few days of returning home from New Orleans, I learned that Hurricane
Rita was heading toward Houston. I live in one of the flood/storm surge
zones that would be affected if a category 4 or 5 were to hit the
Galveston/Houston area. All of a sudden I was hit with the prospect
that what I saw at the Astrodome and in Louisiana could happen to my
family and to me. Helplessness, fear and uncertainty plagued me as I
remembered those images of distressed individuals, houses being pushed
into the middle of the road and cars tossed into trees. I kept
thinking, “If this hits us, where are we going to live? How are we going
to function without our things? Where are we going to find food to eat
and water to drink?” It was very distressing to imagine my home being
wiped away and losing everything. For the first time, I was actually
getting a glimpse into the lives of the individuals that I had been
assisting. I felt just a little bit of what they were feeling.
Suddenly my compassion deepened and my understanding of their situation
cleared a little more.
Thankfully, our area escaped the wrath of Rita. We were spared our home
and all of our possessions. However, friends of mine didn’t quite fair
as well. Cities and towns closer to Houston were affected and more of
Louisiana was devastated. Some of those areas were hit twice. Now, as
a fellow chaplain and I prepare to go to a small town in Louisiana to
help over the Thanksgiving holiday, I thank the Lord that He allowed me
to go through the experiences of Rita. I am grateful that I was allowed
to feel some of the emotions that these people have felt. In 2
Corinthians 1:4, Paul writes, ‘He comforts us in all our troubles so
that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able
to give them the same comfort God has given us.’ The comfort and the
compassion that God gave to me through friends and family members,
through scripture reading, and through prayer was a lesson for me on how
I am to comfort and show compassion to others. Going through the
experience of Rita allows me to serve with a deeper understanding and
with more compassion. It allows me to relate to them a little more.
The greatest blessing I received this year was the lesson in compassion
that I believe the Lord has taught to me.
So I end this
commentary with this: remember in your suffering that you might be able
to use your experiences to help or to relate with others later in life.
Take your suffering and use it to help another, especially in the area
of compassion and comfort.
Back to the
top
<%
dim done
done = request.form("done")
if done = "" then
done = "No"
%>
Tell a friend
<%
Else
if request.form("done") = "Yes" then
'sets variables
dim email, sendmail
email = request.form("email")
Set sendmail = Server.CreateObject("CDONTS.NewMail")
'put the webmaster address here
sendmail.From = "webmaster@aspbasics.com"
'The mail is sent to the address entered in the previous page.
sendmail.To = email
'Enter the subject of your mail here
sendmail.Subject = "Check out this website"
'send a specific page or send a site url
dim url
'url = Request.ServerVariables("HTTP_REFERER")
url = "http://www.aspbasics.net"
'This is the content of thr message.
sendmail.Body = "Site recommendation from a friend!" & _
vbCrlf & vbCrlf & "A friend has sent you this email and thought you would should check out this site." & _
vbCrlf & url & vbCrlf
'this sets mail priority.... 0=low 1=normal 2=high
sendmail.Importance = 1
sendmail.Send 'Send the email!
response.redirect Request.ServerVariables("HTTP_REFERER")
'Response.write ("Sent to ") & email
End if
End if
%>
